Cheryl Tunt, Responsible Arsonist
by Red Witch
Summary: Someone should really do something about Cheryl.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has been burned by Cheryl. Big surprise. This is a follow up to the story Spy Agency, A True Story. Takes place literally minutes after the events of that fic.**

 **Cheryl Tunt, Responsible Arsonist **

"You set a theater on fire…" Cyril pinched the bridge of his nose with one hand and held his glasses in the other. "You actually set a theater **on fire!"**

Cheryl calmly sat on the couch in the bullpen of the Figgis Agency. "I honestly don't know what you're so upset about."

"Seriously?" Ray snapped. He and the other members of the Figgis Agency were there as well.

"You don't know why we're mad about a fire you set not even **twenty minutes** ago?" Lana snapped. The sounds of a fire engine down the street was heard.

"Yes," Cheryl blinked.

"Fire," Cyril gave her a look. "Loss of life and property damage. Not to mention it's **illegal?** That doesn't ring a bell?"

"Not really," Cheryl shrugged.

"Seriously Girl Pyro," Pam said. "You're getting worse."

"Isn't Girl Pyro technically Volcana?" Ray asked.

"That would be in the DC Universe," Archer pointed out. "We're talking Marvel. And the Marvel gender alternate is Firestar."

"I have to disagree on that one," Krieger shook his head.

"Explain," Archer asked.

"Pyro's mutant powers are the mastery and manipulation of fire," Krieger explained. "Where Firestar's powers are mastery and manipulation of **microwave energy**. Granted she can create fires but…"

"I see the difference," Archer nodded.

"And she can fly," Krieger added. "Pyro can't."

"Volcana can fly too," Pam added. "But she actually does create fire."

"True," Archer said. "But we're going after the female Marvel equivalent."

"Does it really matter which universe?" Ray asked.

"Technically I guess not," Archer conceded.

"Plus Firestar's powers made her barren," Cheryl spoke up. "Lucky."

"If we're done with Comic Book Confidential now?" Cyril snapped. "Can we get back on topic?"

"Why are you in such a snit?" Archer asked as he took a drink. "Not like Carol hasn't set any fires before."

"Yes…" Mallory admitted. "But I don't have the power to cover up her sizzling shenanigans like I did before!"

"What do you mean?" Archer blinked.

"Dear God has your brain turned to ash as well?" Mallory snapped. "Sterling remember all the many, many times you and the other agents have done missions that were technically off the books? You know? Assignments in the gray area in the grand scheme of things."

"You mean like the treason?" Lana asked.

"And you wonder why people call you Lana Lame," Mallory gave her a look.

"They do **not!** " Mallory shouted.

"We will **now!** " Cheryl chuckled.

"My point is," Mallory pressed on. "And I do have one. Is that back then I had the support of many people in power."

"Mostly men you either slept with or blackmailed," Lana added.

"Sometimes you slept with **and** blackmailed them," Pam added.

"Will you two **shut up?"** Mallory hissed. "As I was trying to point out we no longer have the protection of our friends upstairs."

"Because all your men friends have disavowed you," Lana said.

"Or are dead," Pam said.

"Some of them both," Ray remarked.

"SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted. "However I must grudgingly admit these idiots have a point."

"So when you say you no longer have their protection…" Archer blinked. "What exactly does that mean?"

"What do you **think** it means Sterling?" Mallory shouted. "God it's like talking to a wall! Sterling, remember all those times I got you out of those scrapes? The extremely illegal ones? Like in Texas?"

"Which time?" Archer asked.

"Most of them," Mallory said. "Pick one! Or the time in Vegas."

"Again which time?" Archer asked.

"Pick **one**!" Mallory snapped. "Not to mention the incident with the twin princesses! Sterling do you have any idea how close you came to the guillotine?"

"Mother that country never used the guillotine," Archer waved.

"Well not the big one," Mallory said. "The one that killed people. They did however have a very, very small one. Guess which body part they used that to cut off?"

"You mean…?" Archer did a double take.

"You almost literally lost your dick," Mallory snapped. "Which now that I think about it would have been no big loss! Considering how many times it gets us all in trouble!"

"Archer we're not spies anymore," Lana sighed. "We no longer have a license to kill."

"Technically we never did," Mallory sighed. "I sort of forged the paperwork."

"So you're saying…?" Archer blinked.

"That if we get caught doing something illegal we could very well end up in jail!" Lana snapped. "Again…"

"So you're saying…" Archer blinked. "If I get caught doing something illegal there could be _consequences_?"

"I know that's a difficult concept for you to understand, Archer," Cyril groaned. "But **yes!** Welcome to the **real world**!"

"And you can't do _anything_ at all?" Archer was stunned.

"If I still could you think I would have used that to keep **myself** from getting arrested like you lot?" Mallory shouted.

"Huh, good point," Archer said. "Okay Carol. New rule. No more fires."

"Lame!" Cheryl pouted.

"Hate to admit it," Ray groaned. "But that movie may have had a point."

"Again you're not entirely wrong," Mallory groaned.

"Why are you mad?" Cheryl asked Mallory. "You **wanted** that theater to burn down! You even said so!"

"Yes, but in hindsight I recognize that was a **bad idea,"** Mallory admitted. "As was hiring you in the first place!"

"You know how lucky you were that no one saw you?" Cyril snapped. "That you weren't arrested?"

"Yeah, let's call it that," Cheryl scoffed. She picked up an unopened glue container.

"Pay attention Scratch and Sniff!" Cyril knocked it out of her hands. "We just got out of jail! We're not going back in!"

"Oh my God will you relax Cyril-Ella?" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "No one saw me! I've been setting fires since I was six! I think I know a thing or two about arson and how to get away with it!"

"Cheryl let's gloss over how illegal and dangerous setting fires are," Lana said. "Mostly because I think that would take too much time and if you haven't figured it out by now you won't during a lecture."

"Duh," Cheryl agreed.

Lana went on. "The fact is that you could have been seen! There's this new thing called security cameras! They have security offices in theaters now! With monitors and everything!"

"Where do you think I **started** the fire?" Cheryl snorted. "Seriously that place was unmanned. It was way too easy to sneak in there and cause an electrical malfunction."

"That's horrible," Lana gasped.

"Tell me about it," Cheryl admitted. "The only staff in sight were two pimply faced teenagers making out in the storage room on top of some popcorn bags."

Everyone looked at Cheryl. "Don't look at me like that," Cheryl gave them a look. "I didn't lock them in the storage room. As soon as I set the fire I did the responsible thing. I opened up the door and screamed at the top of my lungs 'There's a fire! Your irresponsibility is going to get us killed' and ran off."

"That's **your idea** of being responsible?" Cyril blinked.

"Of course it's responsible," Cheryl waved. "I'm not like my uncles who would have locked them in there to burn to death! I merely scarred them for life. And now those kids will grow up so haunted by this tragedy that they will become more responsible adults."

"So your idea of responsibility is scaring people and traumatizing them to be more mature?" Lana gasped.

"Doesn't always work," Mallory gave Archer a look.

"I'm a responsible arsonist," Cheryl said proudly.

"A very apt description of you if there ever was one," Cyril moaned.


End file.
